My Sweet Little Girl

So this is my pretty princess after she was born. I love her with all my heart. I thought I would write about this because it's been on my heart for awhile. I've talked to my Mom about it, but that's about it. I thought maybe if I got it out I could sort through it better.

I will start from the very beginning.

Ashley was born 5 weeks early. Her lungs were premature so she spent a week in the hospital. I didn't get to hold her until she was a day old. I'd go to see her a couple times a day once I was released. I would have spent every waking moment there, but I had Alexander to reassure and to speak truthfully it was absolutely exhausting sitting there watching my little girl breath from tubes in her nose knowing she spent her nights alone and maybe scared.

Once I brought her home things were hard. I was adjusting to having an 11 month old and a newborn. I was to say the least exhausted. Ashley never really wanted to be held. She wanted to eat and be laid down. She didn't need me. That was a hard thought to process.

It was so different with Alexander. I bonded with him right away and he always needed me. Alexander and I had had such a strong connection. I didn't have that with Ashley, I constantly felt like I was playing favorites. I also felt like maybe I didn't love her. I now know they were lies from the enemy. I believed them though and Satan got a foothold in our family. It was awful. I've never been in a darker place in my life.

We came out of it though. I got where I needed to be with the Lord and He reassured me.

Ashley needs me, I can see that now. He helped me to see that.

She is better with affection. She'll actually sit on your lap for a couple minutes at a time. The Lord has brought me so far. The feelings of inadequacy as a mother only come every now and then instead of all the time.

If you have ever had a similar experience I would love to hear it. I hope this made sense and conveyed what I wanted it to. God was faithful and answered my prayers.

The Footprints in the Sand poem is right on. Even in those times when you feel your loneliest and see that there are one set of footprints or one set of tears staining your pillow. Take heart! He is carrying you and is crying right along side you.

Christmas Traditions and What Not

Since Sarah talked about her traditions I thought I'd talk about mine.

Our first Christmas together Derek and I had been married for about a month. Like Sarah I had these really strong traditions instilled in me. Derek's family didn't have any. So we blended the two and did what my family does (Derek was ok with it)

One tradition I wanted to start was to get a new ornament every year for eachother and eventually our kids. Well my aunt Terie gave us this small Christmas tree that we put on top of our end table and we had exactly 4 ornaments on it. Our first Christmas ornament, a nativity scene ornament that Joann got us(a friend of Grandma Kay), a Hello Kitty ornament that Derek got me, and a bag of little medallion ornaments that have love sayings on them that I got Derek.

Derek wanted to go to Butte our first Christmas. Seeing as how I barely knew his family I agreed. It was one of the toughest things ever. Back then I was scared to death of Grandma Kay and I missed "home". It was the first time in my life that I didn't get up at the crack of dawn on Christmas and the first time I didn't open any presents. I was pretty depressed, but it wasn't until years later that I realized home is where my husband and I are.

This year I am starting a new tradition. I am going to bake a birthday cake with my kids and then we are going to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. I am really excited. I also get to make Christmas dinner. This is going to be the best Christmas yet.

Jesus is the reason for the season!

Christmas Questionnaire

I am gonna fill out Sarah's questionnaire.

Christmas Questionnaire
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping Paper!
2. Real tree or Artificial? Fake. I get really stressed out about there being a fire because of the tree.
3. When do you put up the tree? Weekend after Thanksgiving.
4. When do you take the tree down? Day after New Years.
5. Do you like eggnog? Not too much.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? The stereo I received. It had a CD player and everything :)
7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, Derek and I got it in Israel. It's made of real olive wood.
8. Hardest person to buy for? My Uncle Lee or Terie.
9. Easiest person to buy for? Definetly Meg.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? None. :(
11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I can't think of one.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Charlie Brown
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I have money.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Peanut clusters and these oatmeal things that are wonderful
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Colored, always colored.
17. Favorite Christmas song? O Little Town of Bethlehem and Jingle Bells
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? This year we are staying home, Yay!
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Yes, see below
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? All on Christmas Day
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? People seem to get grumpier instead of happier
23. What do you want for Christmas this year? I would love a video camera
24. Favorite ornament theme or color? Not sure
25. Favorite for Christmas dinner? I'm making a roast this year

I decided to look up the names of Santa's eight reindeer to see if it really is "Donder" Here is what I found:
Two of the reindeer names, Donner/Donder and Blitzen, are often the source of confusion, misspelling, and misinformation. The short facts are these: Donner/Donder and Blitzen were named ''Dunder'' and ''Blixem'' (the Dutch words for ''thunder'' and ''lightning'') in the original printing of "A Visit From St. Nicholas." In reprints of the poem, the names became ''Donder'' and ''Blixen,'' then ''Donder'' and ''Blitzen'' (the latter being German for ''lightning''). By the time Johnny Marks wrote "Rudolph," it was ''Donner'' and ''Blitzen'' (possibly because ''Donder'' was musically awkward). See Snopes.com for a thorough discussion.

M.F.M.B.

Yes, I know I've been Missing From My Blog. I've been pretty sick actually. That kind of sick that makes you think death and heaven are waaay better than laying in bed horribly sick.

Nothing too exciting has happend since I went AWOL. I still haven't opened my Christmas presents (aren't you proud?)

One very exciting thing is that I got a book! I love books! I should read for a living. I'd be pretty good at it too since I can read a book in one to two days. I have to be careful though. I tend to neglect and tune out the things around me when I read. That's why getting a book is a special treat I only allow myself every once in a while.

If I got books all the time my children would be running around in their diapers with dirt smudges all over them. I might just throw food at them like they are dogs to keep them quiet. Ok not really, but you get the point.

Cheerio Casserole and Presents

My wonderful sister sent me a package today. In it were presents and one of my favorite things in the world-Cheerio Casserole! I got tears in my eyes, it was like getting a piece of home in the mail. Now I have to show restraint and leave the presents alone.

My sister and I haven't always been close, but the last couple of years God has been restoring our relationship. I don't get to talk to her as often as I'd like. I also don't get to tell her how much I love her as often as I'd like.

Thank you Sarah. You touched my heart today.

Somebody Farted On My Pillow

That's right. I've got pink eye. Now for those who have seen Knocked Up(wouldn't recommend it) you get the title.

I developed pink eye last Thursday. Now I look like Igor. I went grocery shopping and people were staring at me more than usual. I'm now worried that my kids are going to get it and we are going to be this big pink eye family. I have drops I need to put in my eye every 6 hours. I'm constantly having to put hand sanitizer on and my eye itches like crazy. Ever time I put drops in I'm reminded of the Friends episode when Rachel has to put drops in, but she is freaked out by the idea of touching her eye.

This post is pretty much a bunch of random thoughts and ideas, but the main point was and is the fact that I have pink eye.

God Is Good and My Sweet Baby Boy

I haven't written in a long time, but in my defense I've been a little busy. Busy having a baby and not getting any sleep.

I have to say God is good because of how He has blessed me these last couple of months.

First, my little Asher was only two weeks early instead of 4 or 5. He had a perfect apgar score which I was happy with because it meant he was healthy.

Second, there were no problems breastfeeding. He latched on perfectly although painfully and his weight gain has been amazing (2 lbs. in a month).

Thirdly, Alexander and Ashley haven't gotten jealous and have been wonderful with him.

And fourthly(it could be a word), Asher just started sleeping through the night.

You read in the bible how faithful God is and how He loves to bless His people and then we are actually surprised when he answers our prayers.

I prayed constantly that Asher would be healthy and that breastfeeding would go o.k. but I was actually surprised when it all happened. I had been keeping God in this little box expecting Him not to meet my expectations when He surpassed them!

It has taught me not to underestimate God. I bet it's insulting to Him and totally ridiculous on my part. To think that the God who created the heavens and the Earth couldn't or wouldn't do what I prayed. Well God IS Good!