I'll go with the first word: Sadness. Sadness because I miss my family so much. I miss the big gatherings and all the kids running around. I want my kids to have kids their age to play with. I want to be there while my sister is pregnant and support her. I want my Mom over for dinner. I want to watch her play with my kids, see their milestones, and watch them grow. I want to go to church and have friends and family around that care about what you are going through.
I know this is a lot of "I wants". I know how this sounds. Trust me, I do. We've been in Montana now for almost 3 years. In all that time we haven't found a church to go to. And not for a lack of trying. I was doing pretty good about my family until recently. I really do feel that God had us move here, but it's been a struggle the entire time. I would go through it all again though. Because I've done so much growing in the Lord. I've also grown as a wife and mother. As of late I've felt that maybe we are supposed to move back. I've been trying not to be biased though. I'm thinking, "is it because I want to move back?" or does God really want us to move? I keep giving my will to Him and asking that His will be done.
The second word: Discouragement. I'm discouraged because Derek has applied for two positions in Washington and didn't get either of them. Now goes the question game with God. Are You telling us we aren't supposed to move? Or is there a better position for him there? Can You please show us what to do?
Do all Christians go through these things? Or am I an immature one? I feel like an immature Christian because I can't tell God wants right now. Even though I really do feel like we are supposed to move back sometime, the when is the unknown.
The final word: Regret. I regret that I've spent the last week sad and discouraged. I regret that my Easter was spent sad and discouraged instead of rejoicing on what the day was supposed to mean to me as a Christian. I regret that I've been selfish and self centered. I regret that I've ignored the duties of being housewife this week while I struggled with all of these feelings.
In short, please pray for me. Please pray that I keep God the center of my focus. Pray that we will know His will when it is presented to us. And finally please pray that I will accept and be happy about the time we have here in Montana no matter how long that may be.
2 comments:
"Lord, Erica needs you now. She's lonely, she misses her friends and family back home and her family is suffering as a result of her actions. Lord, I know how she feels. I weep as I pray. You know my heart. I've spent time away from those I love while sometimes questioning your will. Now I'm even further away and miss them even more. Would you please hug her up close. Put a church family in their path. Lord, we all know your will is for them to have a church family. Please work all this out. Give them peace about what you'd have them do. Make your will plain in their eyes. Love them like only you can. Give her children playmates, her a special friend and Derek the perfect job for him. Lord, you can do all this and more. We are trusting you will. Thank You. I love you. In Jesus' precious name I pray. Amen"
We lived in Wilmington, NC for only 15 months. We went out there and then all those same questions came. I wanted to be close to family. I wanted what God wanted. I couldn't hear what God wanted. Crazy how it all ended up, but I encourage you to just write about it as you go through it. It may feel like murky waters when your in it. But, the whole hinds site thing can be pretty cool especially if you're documenting conversations with God about it. I'll pray for you because I KNOW it's a hard place to be!
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